heartbreak

my worship is so dry and routine. i do so much to look good out the outside- say all the right things, act a certain way, smile at everyone, talk to anyone.. and yet my heart is so far from worship. and when worship is scheduled, i sing the songs and look to be entertained. when did it become about me? why is it not about God? sometimes i think about days gone by and remember when the passion was so strong, the light so bright, the worship so genuine, and i wonder what i did to move away from that and how i can return. i long to be back in those days. until i remember that God has a plan for me here, that i am learning and growing exactly where i am. my schedule may be busy, but thats more opportunities to give God the glory. i'm trying to do more looking and less leaping, more praying and less action. i tend to go out on a limb without a second thought or prayer, just knowing that God will support me in whatever i choose. lately my heart is reminded over and over that i should be supporting God in whatever He chooses instead. i'm in the back seat, he's the one steering. and i hope to continue this, my life goes so much better when i hand over the controls and let God work instead of limiting him. it's such a struggle for me. i dont know when or how i started putting God in a box, but i am so sick of it. with a lot of help and a lot of love i know i can be different. Gods starting to put some pressure into his molding and its beginning to hurt. i am trying to welcome the pain because i know it means change is in progress. but its hard. it hurts. its real.