disbelief

the summer is over. it went crazily and clumsily by, and i'm still trying to pull together the fragments of what i thought should have run differently when God had other plans. it still doesn't make sense to me, all the tears, all the frustrations, all the dissapointment... and yet all the blessings and lessons to be learned still mostly uncovered. i want to be taught! i don't understand why a part of me still longs to be in anson county, of all places, why i still don't have a clue what i was there for, what really happened this summer, why it took til the last week to finally begin to understand the people. i've been allowed a peek of why God brought me to that place, yet i'm unsatisfied. and still now, i know the comfort of knowing is not enough.

being here is what i need. i'm held captive by so many things, and yet i remain completely free. i feel at home here, an almost unfamiliar notion in my semi-nomadic world. my heart can't help but leap at all the opportunities i have to be a light, a torch, and i wonder if i'll ever settle. Lord, don't let me settle.