walk by faith

music inspires me. i feel it in my soul, it grabs hold of my heart, it does not let go. and i am so grateful that God made me this way, because he often uses music to speak to me. a kind of literal rendering of Ephesians 5:19-20: "Speak to one another with psalms, hymns and spiritual songs. Sing and make music in your heart to the Lord, always giving thanks to God the Father for everything, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ." sometimes I speak better in and through music. songs sometimes compose better prayers for my heart's cry than any words i could ever dream up. and so, i sing.

he has really been using Casting Crown's "Between the Altar and the Door" lately to open up my heart and pour into my soul. i see a portrait of myself and my walk with Christ over and over in each powerful song. as i listened to each song for the first time, one called "Somewhere in the Middle" struck a very powerful chord in me. and ever since, i've been attempting to put into words the emotions and truths stirred within my heart, but they have been eluding me.

Somewhere between who I was and who You’re making me
Somewhere in the middle, You’ll find me

Fearless warriors in a picket fence, reckless abandon wrapped in common sense
Deep water faith in the shallow end and we are caught in the middle
With eyes wide open to the differences, the God we want and the God who is
But will we trade our dreams for His or are we caught in the middle
Are we caught in the middle

Somewhere between my heart and my hands
Somewhere between my faith and my plans
Somewhere between the safety of the boat and the crashing waves

Just how close can I get, Lord, to my surrender without losing all control

those to me are the most profound, insightful words that look into my walk with the Lord. i know i am not finished, i know there is still much work to be done to make me more like Christ. but sometimes, i get so tired of working for it. i get tired of the pain of the potter pulling and pushing on this stubborn lump of clay. and i stay the way i am. and yet, what a long way i have to go.

so i sit in the middle, not moving backwards, but afraid to take the next step. trusting in myself and my vision for my life rather than trusting God and leaping in faith. and God has most of my life, but not complete abandonment. sometimes it seems i have too much concern for me, and not enough for God.

as much as i desire the liberation of removing the shackles of needing to control my own life, it's scary. uncomfortable. unfamiliar and unknown.

and so, the shift from the middle begins. God deserves more than second best. and i pray for the strength to be weak so He can be strong in the great mystery of faith that i walk by. and He will guide me each step, as long as I follow.

learning to fly

i've befriended a small red feathered friend. i'm sure he has no clue that i exist, but its very presence has been such an encouragement and blessing for me. each day as i struggle, this cardinal appears in the window to look down upon me and the world in which i am living. his bright color lights up the otherwise black, white, and grey room, and i can't help but smile and press on.

however, my little friend had another lesson in store for me. he and his whole family sat in a tree outside the window and tried (unsuccessfully) one at a time to enter my room through a glass window. it wasn't violent or painful, just a gentle nudging, an insistent pushing against an impenetrable glass pane. and one at a time, they retreated to their tree, to sit and wait in hopes that someone would break through.

i identified with that confused and disappointed family of birds. first, in a grass is greener on the other side thought. i always want what i can't have, think things would be better if God had chosen to make things different in my life. woe is me, my life is so hard, and the if only's begin...

and then i was blown away with what came next. God has blessed me with a world of color in my life NOW. i have more blessings than i can count. if i took a minute to stop and reflect, i would be more than happy where i am. and yet...

i'm restless and discontented. disappointed. frustrated. discouraged. in my mind there is an impenetrable separation between where i am and what i want that i push and push at until i am exhausted. i'm looking at and to the wrong things to satisfy. if i would turn my back to the glass and face my world, what i life i could live.

it's time to stop retreating and start living. no regrets. Lord, help me fly.