a big sigh of relief

God really does know what he's doing, and he really is in charge. I don't believe that with my whole heart. There's a pretty large chunk of me that holds back and thinks that I can do it better my way, but God always shows me up. I can't believe this is really coming true, i'm nervous and so excited all at the same time. The place that holds my heart will now be my home. Someone pinch me please. I wish I had more faith, I wish I knew how to make it all better. I know that God is guiding me down this path, but why do I brag of my own doings? I want to be robbed of myself, stripped of ME and filled with God. I want to overflow, to be undeniably permanently stained by the hand of my creator. Why do i try to cover such beauty up with horrible colored paints of my own concoction?

Soon I start the next step in my journey. After this small, eye opening break, I'll be off for the summer to teach little and big kids alike about Jesus. And yet i wonder, how much will they teach me. I know God has so much in store for me this summer, and I'm struggling to keep open. In a strange mix between dissapointment, anticipation, apathy, and excitement, I've found no balance. I need God as my center, my anchor, before I can set sail.

Break me God, so this mirror of you can reflect your light into more dark places.

disbelief

the summer is over. it went crazily and clumsily by, and i'm still trying to pull together the fragments of what i thought should have run differently when God had other plans. it still doesn't make sense to me, all the tears, all the frustrations, all the dissapointment... and yet all the blessings and lessons to be learned still mostly uncovered. i want to be taught! i don't understand why a part of me still longs to be in anson county, of all places, why i still don't have a clue what i was there for, what really happened this summer, why it took til the last week to finally begin to understand the people. i've been allowed a peek of why God brought me to that place, yet i'm unsatisfied. and still now, i know the comfort of knowing is not enough.

being here is what i need. i'm held captive by so many things, and yet i remain completely free. i feel at home here, an almost unfamiliar notion in my semi-nomadic world. my heart can't help but leap at all the opportunities i have to be a light, a torch, and i wonder if i'll ever settle. Lord, don't let me settle.

following the leader

so here i am again. i know my life is such an intricate "game" of follow the leader- and i feel like i'm losing horribly. how do you lose at follow the leader? God shows me where to go, God leads me on the right path, and two steps behind Him, i get lost. He doesn't speak, He just gently pushes, and i'm confused. He smiles at what i'm learning overall, and i frown, not understanding it all. i pray for vision, for perseverance, for strength to keep going, and yet i feel blind, ready to give up, and weak. but through it all, without a shadow of a doubt, i know God has a plan and a purpose for leading me this way. i know i'm not meant to fully understand, but that doesn't keep my heart from crying out. i feel so burdened for so many things that don't seem to have answers. where do i go from here? i'm learning that one step at a time isn't the way to follow, but instead one moment at a time. that's what i'm trying to build my life on. moment by moment following my risen Lord. Jesus, lead on. i will follow.

bonfire, anyone?

i've sat down here too many times to count to try to put into words what i am experiencing, but it's too much. i'm finally at the point now when words are still inadequate, but if i don't let it out somehow i might EXPLODE. God truly has been working in my life so much more than i could ever know or ever express, and it's only now that i am beginning to understand the past months and months of what seemed like silence and distance. i'm beginning to trudge the last bit of the valley and it will soon change over to climbing this glorious mountain before me. much like firewood has to be completely dry to burn most effectively, God was drying my life out to set me completely on fire. my passion is restored, the glow is back, i am truly happy.

keep me focused. Lord, don't tame this wild heart of mine.

the change

why am i so determined to stand in the way? when did i become so rebellious? i know this change in me was slow, because i didn't see the extent of it until just recently when i stopped to looked back. satan is a deceiver and i've fallen prey. my heart hurts that i could come so far, that i've crucified my savior daily without a second thought, and that i've wondered all along why God was standing silent. this is a battle i can't win on my own. i'm through with empty words, shallow praise, showy sacrifices and playing pretend. i want my life to be real. i want God to move in real ways! i have to learn to step aside and to

let go

and once again, i'm at this decision place that frightens the control freak i am. can i trust anyone else with my life? will i be able to surrender it all and not pick it back up again, and again, and again, and again...

doubt echoes so loud.

then

after a long silence, my heart smiles. i know that i can trust myself completely with another. i've learned that slowly over the last fourteen months. and to let God take over this broken life of mine is more than okay with me. i know he won't lead me astray. now it's a question of laying down and walking

away.

ramblings

the time has slipped away, but not unnoticed. so much has happened, yet the words once again escaped me. i've realized the mask i've created with cryptic words and unclear posts and i know that this dishonesty has kept me silent for so long. but as my heart sings again, i find words. i find purpose. and i am excited at not knowing what the future holds. each new step draws me closer to a world of unknowns, and i am perfectly comfortable with that at this point in my life.

i hear God calling me so clearly to serve him. not by my own strength, but giving up all i have and allowing him to work so beautifully through my huge weaknesses. and i still haven't mastered the giving up part. God has so much work to do in me. it amazes me that he never gives up on this stubborn heart of mine, but gently and steadily kneads and molds me into what he desires. my heart has found a home, yet sometimes i refuse to take my coat and shoes off. i don't understand myself.

in the midst of craziness and busyness, God has grabbed my heart once again and started a fire. to quote Ginny Owens, "i don't want to be a flame, i wanna be a raging fire." i'm tired of the fizzling out candle i so often portray. i want to be visible, to affect (or infect?) others with Christ. it amazes me that it takes having no time at all for God to grab me and suddenly i have all the time in the world. priorities, it's all about priorities.

the stirrings of my soul are familiar yet unknown. God is preparing my heart, but for what I am not sure. I know it's great. i know it is of His strength and not my own. I know i am not anxious or ready to jump the gun and take it all on myself. i'm happy waiting, yet longing to see God's vision. i know it's beautiful.

and still stirring.