it's amazing how a few little seeds i scattered in a small clay pot between some potting soil have been such an encouragement and lesson to me. for the first few days, the pot was empty, but i kept watering it, hoping the seeds would sprout despite the lack of sunshine. about a week later, i had six green sprouts pushing upward through the black soil... the next day there were nine. one is bigger and taller than the rest, he's in the middle of the pot. quite the attention hog. the others around the edges are just straining upward, still growing. and no matter how i turn them, they push up towards the light. i keep rotating them so they won't grow crooked. i left for easter, i knew i was going to be gone a while but i watered them extra before i left and thought they would be ok. after leaving my precious daisies alone for four days, when i returned they were slumped over, withering, in serious need of some water. so i grabbed a cup and watered, and watered, and watered. borderline flood, i was expecting the ark to float by. but by the end of the day, the giant was back up to its usual floppy leaved perky self. the others followed his example and within 24 hours, i now have twelve happy, perky daisies.
i too get dry. i too need to be watered, and watered, and watered until there's no where else for the moisture to go but to overflow. God loves me and loves me and pours out his spirit on me until i'm overflowing, and i perk back up. i gain a new perspective on life and stand up tall, empowered with the holy spirit. i don't always lean towards the light.. i have a tendency to fall away or turn my life. but in the end its the son that captures me once again, and i leave the darkness to be nurtured in the light. i keep striving and pushing toward maturity, my struggles the soil. i will never be free of them, my strength is rooted in them. each new day is full of new challenges to stretch my roots a little deeper, grow a little closer to my father, and persevere. thank you daisies.
Saturday, May 5, 2007
Friday, May 4, 2007
if only i knew
the satisfaction that came with the completion of voice and diction as well as management was cut short with the uncertainty of what i'm doing with my life. really, what i'm doing is not the question as much as what God is doing. a neon sign really would be nice. i feel like i'm running out of time -- but God has perfect timing.. so i'm just listening, waiting it out.
i have so many unanswered questions. i know its for a reason, but that doesnt stop me from being frustrated. i'm not worried or panicked.. that would do no good. i'm amazingly peaceful about the whole thing. once again im telling myself "you'll know when you need to know."
theres no song to fit this place in between the silence
of uncertainty and the cries of doubt
i reach for you but you feel just out of my touch
i long for your intimate presence but wont let you
fight for me as i wrestle the waves of fear
determined to crawl my way back down the path i ran away
and i'm mad at you for being in my way
my tears confessing how much i need your strength
Abba, just hold me like the tiny child i am
i have so many unanswered questions. i know its for a reason, but that doesnt stop me from being frustrated. i'm not worried or panicked.. that would do no good. i'm amazingly peaceful about the whole thing. once again im telling myself "you'll know when you need to know."
theres no song to fit this place in between the silence
of uncertainty and the cries of doubt
i reach for you but you feel just out of my touch
i long for your intimate presence but wont let you
fight for me as i wrestle the waves of fear
determined to crawl my way back down the path i ran away
and i'm mad at you for being in my way
my tears confessing how much i need your strength
Abba, just hold me like the tiny child i am
Thursday, May 3, 2007
heart check-up
am i not listening, or is there nothing to hear? the silence truly is deafening, and quite unsettling. what am i missing? what is my heart tuning out? is God giving me answers and i'm not being still long enough to understand? i'm living my life in such a busy haze that i dont have time to stop and ask directions from the one who has plans for me. i have to be in charge, because i know what's best for me. really, i have no clue. im a small scared five year old lost in the clothing racks. waiting. crying. wandering. lost. being able to admit i'm lost comes first. and it's here, while i don't know what else to do.. when i finally realize that my attempts to find my own way are useless... when i sit down and sigh with no more tears and no more words, then i'll be able to hear what God is saying for me.. how he is pursuing me and how he longs to hold me close and give me all the good things he has in store for me.
i'm giving up.
i'm giving up.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
healing
after reading this, i have no words.
I remember the hot summer when we discovered ice cream sandwiches in the bottom of the cooler at the corner store. They were ten cents apiece, a lot of money back then. I don't remember how we came to buy one and taste the sweet chocolate graham crust and the melting vanilla ice cream, but we were mad for them after that. Of course, none of us had any money, allowances being unheard of on our side of town. Whether we rode our bikes, or played ball, or sat and played marbles, we talked and dreamed about those soft, creamy sandwiches. Within a week we had tapped out our sources of money: mooching and pop bottles for 2 cents each. My dad worked nights, coming home to join us for breakfast, and then sleeping till late afternoon. When he came home one morning I heard the jingle of change in his pants and something ugly crept into my mind. That change was just what we needed, what I had to have.
All day long I kept coming into the house and listening at his door. Sleeping sounds: slow, even snoring. I cracked the door, and there hanging at the foot of the bed were those pants, that change, those ice cream sandwiches; my chance to be the big man in the neighborhood. I slipped in and took a handful of change. We ate like greedy pigs, and I was a hero to my band of friends as we sat in the shade of the corner store. They thought I was rich. I told them it was birthday money I'd saved. I felt satisfied before I ever ate them sandwiches. I was somebody. That went on every day for about two weeks and what a time it was! I had gotten good at slipping in and slipping out, and then ran to my buddies and we headed to the store.
One day there was no change in dad's pocket so I felt for his wallet, hesitated a moment, then took out two whole dollars. I had been okay with taking the change, but those dollars made my face feel hot. Even before we began gorging ourselves on ice cream, my stomach felt sick. The importance and joy I had felt buying for my friends was gone that afternoon. I realized I was in pretty deep. If dad knew, he'd kill me, but worse, he'd have that look in his eye, that disappointment he would get when I'd miss catching a ball or get a bad grade.
Now, I had stolen from my dad. I couldn't face him, and didn't know what to do. Early that afternoon, the sun high and hot, I grabbed my fishing pole and walked down the tracks to the reservoir, wishing my stomach would quit aching, and praying nobody would see me crying. As I sat hurting that day, knowing there was no way to get right with my dad, I saw him walking along the tracks. He was big man who sort of swaggered like a sailor in a roiling sea, his arms swinging to the sides as he went. But now he was walking slow and deliberate, looking somehow as heavy as I felt.
I couldn't run. I just sat there, watching him come to me, my pole motionless in my hands, barely breathing. I don't remember being afraid. No, it was more so feeling deeply sorrowful at hurting him. My eyes were watery when he came up. He just quietly sat alongside me and stared in the water with me. After what seemed a very long time he asked, "How're they biting son?
I couldn't speak. I was too near crying, and he deserved me acting with some dignity I thought. We sat quietly, a bird singing nearby, and I stuck out my chin as best I could, willing to take whatever beating he thought I needed, if he would only take me back.
In a moment I will never forget, he said, "Son, I've known since the first day you took the money. I watched out the window as you and your friends ate ice cream. I didn't say anything, because I wanted to let you come and tell me yourself. It hurt me that you were stealing from me, but it hurt more you didn't come and tell me. Son, you can always come to me when you've done wrong. I love you son." And with that, his hand reached out, not to strike me, but to pull me to his chest, where I cried.
As I cried, my dad told me he trusted me, and that everything he had would be mine some day. Because I couldn't go to him, he came to me.
God is coming to you. Yes, your sin hurts Him, but what hurts just as much is your reluctance to face Him and trust Him even in your failings. He is your Father. His calling is unchanging. His love, unfailing. He has come seeking you, true Shepherd that He is. Bury your head in His chest, accept His embrace, and begin again, as at the first, to follow Him. He has room for you still.
I remember the hot summer when we discovered ice cream sandwiches in the bottom of the cooler at the corner store. They were ten cents apiece, a lot of money back then. I don't remember how we came to buy one and taste the sweet chocolate graham crust and the melting vanilla ice cream, but we were mad for them after that. Of course, none of us had any money, allowances being unheard of on our side of town. Whether we rode our bikes, or played ball, or sat and played marbles, we talked and dreamed about those soft, creamy sandwiches. Within a week we had tapped out our sources of money: mooching and pop bottles for 2 cents each. My dad worked nights, coming home to join us for breakfast, and then sleeping till late afternoon. When he came home one morning I heard the jingle of change in his pants and something ugly crept into my mind. That change was just what we needed, what I had to have.
All day long I kept coming into the house and listening at his door. Sleeping sounds: slow, even snoring. I cracked the door, and there hanging at the foot of the bed were those pants, that change, those ice cream sandwiches; my chance to be the big man in the neighborhood. I slipped in and took a handful of change. We ate like greedy pigs, and I was a hero to my band of friends as we sat in the shade of the corner store. They thought I was rich. I told them it was birthday money I'd saved. I felt satisfied before I ever ate them sandwiches. I was somebody. That went on every day for about two weeks and what a time it was! I had gotten good at slipping in and slipping out, and then ran to my buddies and we headed to the store.
One day there was no change in dad's pocket so I felt for his wallet, hesitated a moment, then took out two whole dollars. I had been okay with taking the change, but those dollars made my face feel hot. Even before we began gorging ourselves on ice cream, my stomach felt sick. The importance and joy I had felt buying for my friends was gone that afternoon. I realized I was in pretty deep. If dad knew, he'd kill me, but worse, he'd have that look in his eye, that disappointment he would get when I'd miss catching a ball or get a bad grade.
Now, I had stolen from my dad. I couldn't face him, and didn't know what to do. Early that afternoon, the sun high and hot, I grabbed my fishing pole and walked down the tracks to the reservoir, wishing my stomach would quit aching, and praying nobody would see me crying. As I sat hurting that day, knowing there was no way to get right with my dad, I saw him walking along the tracks. He was big man who sort of swaggered like a sailor in a roiling sea, his arms swinging to the sides as he went. But now he was walking slow and deliberate, looking somehow as heavy as I felt.
I couldn't run. I just sat there, watching him come to me, my pole motionless in my hands, barely breathing. I don't remember being afraid. No, it was more so feeling deeply sorrowful at hurting him. My eyes were watery when he came up. He just quietly sat alongside me and stared in the water with me. After what seemed a very long time he asked, "How're they biting son?
I couldn't speak. I was too near crying, and he deserved me acting with some dignity I thought. We sat quietly, a bird singing nearby, and I stuck out my chin as best I could, willing to take whatever beating he thought I needed, if he would only take me back.
In a moment I will never forget, he said, "Son, I've known since the first day you took the money. I watched out the window as you and your friends ate ice cream. I didn't say anything, because I wanted to let you come and tell me yourself. It hurt me that you were stealing from me, but it hurt more you didn't come and tell me. Son, you can always come to me when you've done wrong. I love you son." And with that, his hand reached out, not to strike me, but to pull me to his chest, where I cried.
As I cried, my dad told me he trusted me, and that everything he had would be mine some day. Because I couldn't go to him, he came to me.
God is coming to you. Yes, your sin hurts Him, but what hurts just as much is your reluctance to face Him and trust Him even in your failings. He is your Father. His calling is unchanging. His love, unfailing. He has come seeking you, true Shepherd that He is. Bury your head in His chest, accept His embrace, and begin again, as at the first, to follow Him. He has room for you still.
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
and the veil began to lift
God is SO good. He's beginning to lift the cloudy veil and allow me to see a little of what He has in store for me. I don't trust more now that I see, because I learned to have faith without sight-but the encouragement I feel is more than enough for me. I've never been this out of control in my entire life, and I'm learning to be at peace with that. I asked God to help me surrender my entire life, and this is how He did it. Its so comforting to know that God knows me so well that He knows EXACTLY what circumstances it will take to produce a surrendered life from me. I pray that I will never forget. I say that God has a plan for me, but to live it is a totally different thing. God takes me in his arms and loves me just the way I am-- selfish, dirty, controlling, bossy, ignorant... but He wants me to change. He wants me to become more of Him and less of me. Keep changing me God. Make me dissappear.
Monday, April 30, 2007
a big sigh of relief
God really does know what he's doing, and he really is in charge. I don't believe that with my whole heart. There's a pretty large chunk of me that holds back and thinks that I can do it better my way, but God always shows me up. I can't believe this is really coming true, i'm nervous and so excited all at the same time. The place that holds my heart will now be my home. Someone pinch me please. I wish I had more faith, I wish I knew how to make it all better. I know that God is guiding me down this path, but why do I brag of my own doings? I want to be robbed of myself, stripped of ME and filled with God. I want to overflow, to be undeniably permanently stained by the hand of my creator. Why do i try to cover such beauty up with horrible colored paints of my own concoction?
Soon I start the next step in my journey. After this small, eye opening break, I'll be off for the summer to teach little and big kids alike about Jesus. And yet i wonder, how much will they teach me. I know God has so much in store for me this summer, and I'm struggling to keep open. In a strange mix between dissapointment, anticipation, apathy, and excitement, I've found no balance. I need God as my center, my anchor, before I can set sail.
Break me God, so this mirror of you can reflect your light into more dark places.
Soon I start the next step in my journey. After this small, eye opening break, I'll be off for the summer to teach little and big kids alike about Jesus. And yet i wonder, how much will they teach me. I know God has so much in store for me this summer, and I'm struggling to keep open. In a strange mix between dissapointment, anticipation, apathy, and excitement, I've found no balance. I need God as my center, my anchor, before I can set sail.
Break me God, so this mirror of you can reflect your light into more dark places.
Sunday, April 29, 2007
disbelief
the summer is over. it went crazily and clumsily by, and i'm still trying to pull together the fragments of what i thought should have run differently when God had other plans. it still doesn't make sense to me, all the tears, all the frustrations, all the dissapointment... and yet all the blessings and lessons to be learned still mostly uncovered. i want to be taught! i don't understand why a part of me still longs to be in anson county, of all places, why i still don't have a clue what i was there for, what really happened this summer, why it took til the last week to finally begin to understand the people. i've been allowed a peek of why God brought me to that place, yet i'm unsatisfied. and still now, i know the comfort of knowing is not enough.
being here is what i need. i'm held captive by so many things, and yet i remain completely free. i feel at home here, an almost unfamiliar notion in my semi-nomadic world. my heart can't help but leap at all the opportunities i have to be a light, a torch, and i wonder if i'll ever settle. Lord, don't let me settle.
being here is what i need. i'm held captive by so many things, and yet i remain completely free. i feel at home here, an almost unfamiliar notion in my semi-nomadic world. my heart can't help but leap at all the opportunities i have to be a light, a torch, and i wonder if i'll ever settle. Lord, don't let me settle.
Saturday, April 28, 2007
following the leader
so here i am again. i know my life is such an intricate "game" of follow the leader- and i feel like i'm losing horribly. how do you lose at follow the leader? God shows me where to go, God leads me on the right path, and two steps behind Him, i get lost. He doesn't speak, He just gently pushes, and i'm confused. He smiles at what i'm learning overall, and i frown, not understanding it all. i pray for vision, for perseverance, for strength to keep going, and yet i feel blind, ready to give up, and weak. but through it all, without a shadow of a doubt, i know God has a plan and a purpose for leading me this way. i know i'm not meant to fully understand, but that doesn't keep my heart from crying out. i feel so burdened for so many things that don't seem to have answers. where do i go from here? i'm learning that one step at a time isn't the way to follow, but instead one moment at a time. that's what i'm trying to build my life on. moment by moment following my risen Lord. Jesus, lead on. i will follow.
Friday, April 27, 2007
bonfire, anyone?
i've sat down here too many times to count to try to put into words what i am experiencing, but it's too much. i'm finally at the point now when words are still inadequate, but if i don't let it out somehow i might EXPLODE. God truly has been working in my life so much more than i could ever know or ever express, and it's only now that i am beginning to understand the past months and months of what seemed like silence and distance. i'm beginning to trudge the last bit of the valley and it will soon change over to climbing this glorious mountain before me. much like firewood has to be completely dry to burn most effectively, God was drying my life out to set me completely on fire. my passion is restored, the glow is back, i am truly happy.
keep me focused. Lord, don't tame this wild heart of mine.
keep me focused. Lord, don't tame this wild heart of mine.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
the change
why am i so determined to stand in the way? when did i become so rebellious? i know this change in me was slow, because i didn't see the extent of it until just recently when i stopped to looked back. satan is a deceiver and i've fallen prey. my heart hurts that i could come so far, that i've crucified my savior daily without a second thought, and that i've wondered all along why God was standing silent. this is a battle i can't win on my own. i'm through with empty words, shallow praise, showy sacrifices and playing pretend. i want my life to be real. i want God to move in real ways! i have to learn to step aside and to
let go
and once again, i'm at this decision place that frightens the control freak i am. can i trust anyone else with my life? will i be able to surrender it all and not pick it back up again, and again, and again, and again...
doubt echoes so loud.
then
after a long silence, my heart smiles. i know that i can trust myself completely with another. i've learned that slowly over the last fourteen months. and to let God take over this broken life of mine is more than okay with me. i know he won't lead me astray. now it's a question of laying down and walking
away.
let go
and once again, i'm at this decision place that frightens the control freak i am. can i trust anyone else with my life? will i be able to surrender it all and not pick it back up again, and again, and again, and again...
doubt echoes so loud.
then
after a long silence, my heart smiles. i know that i can trust myself completely with another. i've learned that slowly over the last fourteen months. and to let God take over this broken life of mine is more than okay with me. i know he won't lead me astray. now it's a question of laying down and walking
away.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
ramblings
the time has slipped away, but not unnoticed. so much has happened, yet the words once again escaped me. i've realized the mask i've created with cryptic words and unclear posts and i know that this dishonesty has kept me silent for so long. but as my heart sings again, i find words. i find purpose. and i am excited at not knowing what the future holds. each new step draws me closer to a world of unknowns, and i am perfectly comfortable with that at this point in my life.
i hear God calling me so clearly to serve him. not by my own strength, but giving up all i have and allowing him to work so beautifully through my huge weaknesses. and i still haven't mastered the giving up part. God has so much work to do in me. it amazes me that he never gives up on this stubborn heart of mine, but gently and steadily kneads and molds me into what he desires. my heart has found a home, yet sometimes i refuse to take my coat and shoes off. i don't understand myself.
in the midst of craziness and busyness, God has grabbed my heart once again and started a fire. to quote Ginny Owens, "i don't want to be a flame, i wanna be a raging fire." i'm tired of the fizzling out candle i so often portray. i want to be visible, to affect (or infect?) others with Christ. it amazes me that it takes having no time at all for God to grab me and suddenly i have all the time in the world. priorities, it's all about priorities.
the stirrings of my soul are familiar yet unknown. God is preparing my heart, but for what I am not sure. I know it's great. i know it is of His strength and not my own. I know i am not anxious or ready to jump the gun and take it all on myself. i'm happy waiting, yet longing to see God's vision. i know it's beautiful.
and still stirring.
i hear God calling me so clearly to serve him. not by my own strength, but giving up all i have and allowing him to work so beautifully through my huge weaknesses. and i still haven't mastered the giving up part. God has so much work to do in me. it amazes me that he never gives up on this stubborn heart of mine, but gently and steadily kneads and molds me into what he desires. my heart has found a home, yet sometimes i refuse to take my coat and shoes off. i don't understand myself.
in the midst of craziness and busyness, God has grabbed my heart once again and started a fire. to quote Ginny Owens, "i don't want to be a flame, i wanna be a raging fire." i'm tired of the fizzling out candle i so often portray. i want to be visible, to affect (or infect?) others with Christ. it amazes me that it takes having no time at all for God to grab me and suddenly i have all the time in the world. priorities, it's all about priorities.
the stirrings of my soul are familiar yet unknown. God is preparing my heart, but for what I am not sure. I know it's great. i know it is of His strength and not my own. I know i am not anxious or ready to jump the gun and take it all on myself. i'm happy waiting, yet longing to see God's vision. i know it's beautiful.
and still stirring.
Monday, March 5, 2007
beautiful surrender
it always amazes me how God takes so little to teach me so much. He's just that big. i am utterly exhausted, but excited to be in the loving arms of my Daddy. He showed me so much this morning just because i gave what i had to him, and i am so grateful.
i had never thought about how i treated God's talking to me. just like with everyone else, i try to pretend that i already knew what they told me, not wanting to be ignorant. but God wants to teach me, he NEEDS to teach me, and i need to leave the "smarter-than-you" attitude at the door because we all know i am definitely not the smarter one. when i come to God, knowing and honest with my shortcomings and frailties, he is going to fill me up so much more than if i come with a spirit of pride and arrogant (and wrong) superiority.
when we look outside of God to have our needs met, we come up short. the bible says our blanket leaves our feet uncovered. what a beautiful picture! and being cold natured, one i can relate to well. nothing, i repeat NOTHING short of God can satisfy me. why do i even try to look elsewhere? how long will it take until i truly learn this?
i have so much head knowledge, but so little heart knowledge. it's definitely time for a change. i can feel it, i know it's happening, but i want it to be faster and noticable. i'm being patient though, knowing God works all things for his glory in his time.
i can't wait to see what he's doing in me.
i had never thought about how i treated God's talking to me. just like with everyone else, i try to pretend that i already knew what they told me, not wanting to be ignorant. but God wants to teach me, he NEEDS to teach me, and i need to leave the "smarter-than-you" attitude at the door because we all know i am definitely not the smarter one. when i come to God, knowing and honest with my shortcomings and frailties, he is going to fill me up so much more than if i come with a spirit of pride and arrogant (and wrong) superiority.
when we look outside of God to have our needs met, we come up short. the bible says our blanket leaves our feet uncovered. what a beautiful picture! and being cold natured, one i can relate to well. nothing, i repeat NOTHING short of God can satisfy me. why do i even try to look elsewhere? how long will it take until i truly learn this?
i have so much head knowledge, but so little heart knowledge. it's definitely time for a change. i can feel it, i know it's happening, but i want it to be faster and noticable. i'm being patient though, knowing God works all things for his glory in his time.
i can't wait to see what he's doing in me.
Monday, February 5, 2007
heartbreak
my worship is so dry and routine. i do so much to look good out the outside- say all the right things, act a certain way, smile at everyone, talk to anyone.. and yet my heart is so far from worship. and when worship is scheduled, i sing the songs and look to be entertained. when did it become about me? why is it not about God? sometimes i think about days gone by and remember when the passion was so strong, the light so bright, the worship so genuine, and i wonder what i did to move away from that and how i can return. i long to be back in those days. until i remember that God has a plan for me here, that i am learning and growing exactly where i am. my schedule may be busy, but thats more opportunities to give God the glory. i'm trying to do more looking and less leaping, more praying and less action. i tend to go out on a limb without a second thought or prayer, just knowing that God will support me in whatever i choose. lately my heart is reminded over and over that i should be supporting God in whatever He chooses instead. i'm in the back seat, he's the one steering. and i hope to continue this, my life goes so much better when i hand over the controls and let God work instead of limiting him. it's such a struggle for me. i dont know when or how i started putting God in a box, but i am so sick of it. with a lot of help and a lot of love i know i can be different. Gods starting to put some pressure into his molding and its beginning to hurt. i am trying to welcome the pain because i know it means change is in progress. but its hard. it hurts. its real.
Friday, January 5, 2007
cries of my heart
once again, i find myself here... in this place between knowing and listening intently for an answer. all i hear is the silence ringing in my ears. and in these times i discover who i really am when all the costumes are layed aside.
i don't know where i'll be in four months. i dont know what i'm doing with my life. i feel unsteady and scared, and at the same time, at peace. i know God has a perfect plan for me, but i wish he'd tell me whats going on.
i can get mad at God. it's ok. he knows what i'm feeling anyway, i might as well tell him. and so i'm mad. i cry hot tears, and wave angry, accusing fingers at a beautiful cloudless blue sky. sometimes i accuse him of not knowing what he's doing. i can't get any smaller then. how dare i challenge God's omniscience?
i cant help but smile ever so slightly when i think of how he must be watching me, with a small smirk like that of a parent who realizes how ridiculous their child's cry of "i can do it on my OWN!" and also understands how they'll soon be taking their hand for help.
i've been learning a lot in the valley, especially since i've realized what to call where i am. i have a lot more to learn. i long for the breath-taking view at the peak, but can't even see the tip of the mountain from here. God will have me there in due time.
i don't know where i'll be in four months. i dont know what i'm doing with my life. i feel unsteady and scared, and at the same time, at peace. i know God has a perfect plan for me, but i wish he'd tell me whats going on.
i can get mad at God. it's ok. he knows what i'm feeling anyway, i might as well tell him. and so i'm mad. i cry hot tears, and wave angry, accusing fingers at a beautiful cloudless blue sky. sometimes i accuse him of not knowing what he's doing. i can't get any smaller then. how dare i challenge God's omniscience?
i cant help but smile ever so slightly when i think of how he must be watching me, with a small smirk like that of a parent who realizes how ridiculous their child's cry of "i can do it on my OWN!" and also understands how they'll soon be taking their hand for help.
i've been learning a lot in the valley, especially since i've realized what to call where i am. i have a lot more to learn. i long for the breath-taking view at the peak, but can't even see the tip of the mountain from here. God will have me there in due time.
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