the change

why am i so determined to stand in the way? when did i become so rebellious? i know this change in me was slow, because i didn't see the extent of it until just recently when i stopped to looked back. satan is a deceiver and i've fallen prey. my heart hurts that i could come so far, that i've crucified my savior daily without a second thought, and that i've wondered all along why God was standing silent. this is a battle i can't win on my own. i'm through with empty words, shallow praise, showy sacrifices and playing pretend. i want my life to be real. i want God to move in real ways! i have to learn to step aside and to

let go

and once again, i'm at this decision place that frightens the control freak i am. can i trust anyone else with my life? will i be able to surrender it all and not pick it back up again, and again, and again, and again...

doubt echoes so loud.

then

after a long silence, my heart smiles. i know that i can trust myself completely with another. i've learned that slowly over the last fourteen months. and to let God take over this broken life of mine is more than okay with me. i know he won't lead me astray. now it's a question of laying down and walking

away.